Hypersexuality: Picking up the Pieces

© KE Photography

In my post Hypersexuality:  the sexy 900 lb gorilla in the room, I shared some of my experiences and struggles.  But I didn’t talk about how I am overcoming them and healing from them.  I’ve taken these five steps toward healing.

Unplug

The first thing I did was shutdown my social network.  I suspended my Facebook and Twitter accounts.  I stopped blogging and commenting on blogs.  I stopped texting or chatting with anyone but family and close male friends.  This cut off most of the tools that I used to express my hypersexuality with.  This would give the quiet and space needed for healing.

I

shut

it

down

Spiritual Healing

The very next thing that I did was pray.  I prayed to God for healing.  Then I called one of my spiritual teachers and asked him for some help with healing.  He asked me to meet him in the chapel of a Catholic church.  We meditated and chanted and breathed.  He prayed that I would become innocent once more.  Just as innocent as a baby.  I wept.  The healing had begun.  I continue to pray and meditate. This is a life-time process.

Becoming a Good Partner

I hurt my wife deeply. For my marriage to heal, I have to take my marriage vows very seriously.  I try to show her as often I can that I cherish her.  I care for her.  I bring her fresh coffee in the morning.  I tend to her when she is sick.  I devote myself to her.  I am honest with her. There’s nothing in my life she doesn’t know about.  We take walks together in the afternoon.

It’s hard, sometimes, to be a good partner when you have bipolar disorder.  Sometimes, I’m just not well enough for her to lean on me.  I just do the best I can do.

Becoming innocent again

I needed to become innocent.  I needed to become the man I used to be before this happened.  Mild-mannered.  Shy.  Smiley.  Funny.  Caring.  Goofy.   Innocent in the way I look at myself and also in the way I  look at other people.  On some level, I had become a sexual predator.  I looked at every woman as a sexual object.  And I was not prejudiced against any body type, color, or age (excluding children) .  No one was innocent in my eyes.  My eyes needed to change.  My mind needed to change.  I’m learning to see the innocence in people.  I look to one of my heroes, Mr. Rogers (Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood), as a model for this.  He viewed the world through innocent eyes.  I believe that in all people, he saw a child of God.

Shrinking your network to the bare essentials

I went through my email contacts and Facebook friends and eliminated every person that I didn’t need to be contact with, especially women.    I began limiting human contact to only the people I needed to be in contact with.  I needed space for healing and time away from any possibility of a sexually-charged situation.

Re-emerging on new terms

Gradually, I’ve been re-engaging in society.  I’m back on Facebook.  I never write anything sexually suggestive.  I have no private communication with any person of the opposite sex unless it is strictly job related.  What this does is give me a safety net for if I get hypersexual again.  I no longer have a network of possible hookups in my life.  Even if I did give into my impulses, I wouldn’t get very far.   I haven’t nurtured those kinds of relationships.  I don’t speak with women if I don’t need to.  I don’t make more than polite eye contact.

There is too much riding on my fidelity and wellness.  I have a wife and two kids to think about.  Sexual impropriety would destroy my family.  I’d lose my job, I’d lose my marriage, and my children would lose their stability.  I have to be the kind of man that I want my daughter to marry and the kind of man I want my son to become.

I’ve come a long way, but I believe this will be a life-long struggle for me.

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5 thoughts on “Hypersexuality: Picking up the Pieces

  1. I am glad that you were able to continue fighting for your marriage. Sadly, I lost mine… due to my stupidity and I regret it so much.
    He simply does not love me anymore, I hurt him more than I could have ever fathomed.

  2. It sounds as if you’re doing exactly what you need to achieve healing! That takes courage, I know. I destroyed so many relationships with my hypersexuality — love relationships, friend relationships, even family. Finally I turned to a 12-step group and worked on it in counseling. 12-step groups are not for everyone, but it helped me enormously, especially having a sponsor.
    I still have to be very, very careful to watch out for that “900-lb. gorilla.” Just as an alcoholic avoids all alcohol, I have to be careful of my social activities. But it’s worth it.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog & commenting! You really made me feel good.

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