I feel very level today. And this is good. I’ve been up and down for a few weeks now. Nothing dramatic, just a little hypomania and a few tears. And now I’m coming down from it. Listening to Damien Rice to try to get back some of the beautiful melancholy back, but it’s no use, I’m just not there anymore. I don’t get suicidal (rarely), so depression feels like a safe, comfy place where I can experience the world in a deeper way. I feel things strongly. Especially music.
And the mania. I haven’t been full blown manic for several years, but I have been hypermanic…especially lately. It makes me spontaneous and impulsive. I laugh more and share more…which can lead to embarrassing moments, but fuck it. I also get shit done. My fingers are coding (software) so fast it sounds like a drum line.
And this is the bull shittiest part of why I’m disappointed. When I’m ill, I get a free pass from my family to just get my shit together. The expectations for me go down, especially from my wife. And you know? It’s really helpful. Because things can get overwhelming. So now I know it’s time to be a grown-ass man again and listen to everybody’s problems and make things happen. Booo.
Party’s over…for now.