I was hypomanic yesterday and embarrased myself at work, then I took a Klonopin to help me sleep. Today, I’m depressed. I’ve been cycling off and on for a month. I’m wondering if Klonopin (which I take once or twice a week) could be a contributing factor. I also smoked half a pack of cigarettes and got drunk a few nights ago. Haven’t smoked since May.
My band breaking up is a factor, but I shouldn’t feel this bad. I don’t won’t to kill myself, but I just want to be dead for awhile. Damien Rice “I know I make you cry, and I know sometimes you wanna die, but do you really feel alive without me,” is a recurring thought. It’s more like I want to want to die. That’s about where I am.
I’m hoping that getting engaged with work today will raise my mood a bit. Life doesn’t care if you’re depressed or not. It expects you to keep on living.
And when I feel this way, I don’t want to feel better. I just want to stay this way. I feel things deeply. I find meaning in depression. But the way it’s been going lately, I’ll bounce back up to the other end…perhaps even higher than before. Seeing my psychiatrist soon. I just don’t want to take any more medicine than I’m already taking.
Maybe when the Klonopin is out of my system, I’ll level out. Swimming might help, but I won’t be able to work that into my schedule today.
In my hypomania, I also had to resist reaching out to women in a private sort of way, which is a definite deal breaker for my wife. I got hit on and a felt myself wanting to go that way, but instead I shut it down. This is the worst part of my illness…women. I don’t want to be unfaithful. That’s not the kind of person I am. It’s one of the effects of the genes and chemicals that make me bipolar.
When I was full blown manic, I started sneaking over to a megachurch with a praise band, and I engaged in a manic sort of worship. And at the end of the service, ministers are available to pray with you. I lined up and when it was my turn, I confessed my behavior with women, and ask him to pray with me about it. He laid on hands and prayed hard with me. But even then, I knew that I would continue on. I don’t know if God can cure mental illness, but He hasn’t done it for me, yet.