Limitations and Balance

Recently, as I’ve written, my band broke up.  This was a heavy blow to me and it put me into a brief mood cycle.  I feel level today.  Great.  So here’s the thing.  In a hypomanic state, I pulled together a new band.  I have enough connections and enough credibility as a musician that I was able to do this in all of two days.  It was just perfect timing.  The people I wanted had just had recent breakups with bands as well.  Everyone jumped right in.  Let’s GO!

Well, so I’m level now, but I’m still totally into this.  I intend to go through with this.  But my wife is very unhappy with this.  She sees a disaster down the road.  My wife is often right about these things, but she was wrong when she predicted the same thing with my last band. Ok, so a made a few bad choices early on, but I got it under control and I made some great friends and it was a really positive experience.

She got upset.  I mean REALLY upset.  She took off the ring and everything.  She accused me of risking our marriage.  She found out that there are two beautiful young women in the band.  She was hurt that I didn’t ask her to sing in the band.  (poor woman is usually asleep by 9, we’ll be playing till midnight more often than not.  never even crossed my band that she would want to be asked) I got really serious and told her that if she’s going to take off her ring, she better be willing to walk out the door forever, or else she better put it back on.  I told her that I would not be sleeping in a bed with her until that ring was on.  She put it on.

I explained that I get to make the rules for this band, which means when we rehearse there’s no pot, no booze, no cigarettes.  It will be professional.  We won’t be playing in smokey, rowdy dive bars.  That’s not the kind of gig I’m going for.  She calmed down a bit.

But here’s the question, will the stress of running a band along with my day job, church job, orchestra, and teaching job (just a few voice students) push me over the edge?  Is she right?  Am I crazy to be doing this?  I’m wilingl to admit that it might be crazy.  But you know what?  I’m a musician.  This is what I love.  I want as much of it in my life as possible.  I feel like I have to at least try.  If I crash, I crash.  My wife just doesn’t want to be around when it happens.  In her mind, I’m willing to risk my marriage for this.  Because when I got sick, I got mean, I got drunk, I cheated, I smoked, I embarrassed myself and her many times.  But that was unmedicated and on anti-depressants.

I want this.  But at what point do I have to admit that I have limitations that normal people do not?  I believe that we’re all given abilities for a reason.  I know how to be a good provider, father, and maybe even a good husband.  And I know how to do music.  I believe that I should express these abilities to the fullest.  I put off music for a decade and a half to focus on raising my children.  And now that they’re teens, I’m gaining the freedom to pursue my dreams again.  AHHHHHHH!!! I don’t know what the right thing to do is, so I’m just going to do what I want to do and hope it doesn’t blow up in my face.

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