So, I’m waking up level, and as the day progresses I’m getting hypomanic. This is a form of rapid cycling I believe. Or, perhaps there is something I am doing that is causing this. I experimented with my coffee intake today. I withheld my after lunch coffee and I’m still amped. My right foot is wiggling like crazy. I’m obsessively listening to guess who, Damien Rice for a month now. My speech is rapid and it feels like I don’t have control over it. I haven’t embarrassed myself, yet (TODAY), but the chances are high.
It’s really just a little baby mania. Nothing too bad, but little babies become big babies, so I’m keeping a close eye on things. I’ve also been working very hard to be sweet to my wife. When I get this way, I get …well…less sweet. Ok, I turn into a total asshole toward her.
I’m reminding myself why I write this blog. Although, sometimes I share some pretty nifty information, it’s mainly because even though I’m Bipolar I, I don’t relate to a lot of typical experiences shared on the web. I don’t suffer from severe depression, so I know little about suicide. I’ve never been hospitalized…perhaps I should have been. I’m Bipolar I because I had a major manic episode that involved delusions, psychosis, paranoia, and dangerous hypersexuality, I don’t think this would have happened without the help of Cymbalta, so I still question Bipolar I. But what’s the difference? The medicines have improved my life, so Bipolar I or II or whatever probably doesn’t matter. I guess I’m still hung up on that. BUT THE POINT IS…I want to share my experience because the stories I’m finding out there are different than mine, and I’m sure there are more like me out there. I’m really (wait for it) closer to the middle these days.
So, I’m going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning. This will be the 3rd time in a 6 weeks. First time, he doubled my lithium. I don’t think it is helping. My miracle drug is failing. He wants to give me more Geodon, but last time it gave me panic attacks…awful. 2nd time, we just decided to watch it for awhile more. But tomorrow, I think I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and accept a med change. OR…..
Maybe I need a lifestyle change. Maybe it’s time to cut somethings out of my life. UGH!!! I hate shit like this. I am so stubborn. Everything that is in my life is there because I want it or need it badly. I know in my heart that this is not the time to start a new musical project, but I just can’t let it go. I feel that I need to continue to perform on stage now that mind old band is split up. I’m kind of hoping that it just doesn’t work out. Then I can say “I guess it just wasn’t meant to happen.” But I’ve already involved five other people and so I don’t want to back out now.
And the day progresses…