I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. And it’s interesting to note that when I tell someone that I saw him, I generally say doctor instead of psychiatrist. I guess I’m worried about the effect of that word on people. But anyway, I saw him and he increased my Lamictal. So now he’s increased both my Lithium and my Lamictal to battle this thing. I will also try to cut back my coffee consumption today.
I’m a choir director at a church, and it’s super important that I mind my Ps and Qs, My wife urged me not to go last night for fear of damaging my job. But I have stuff to accomplish! So I went anyway. I was pretty amped and I desperately needed something to chill me out. Pot would have helped, but that’s not happening. So even though I quit cigarettes in May, I decided to buy a pack and see if a cigarette would calm me down despite the fact that there is a growing body of evidence that says it’s bad for mania. But everybody’s down on smoking. I know for a fact that nicotine helps with ADHD. So why not mania?
But no, it did not work. If anything it made it worse. My hand started shaking. It felt like the cells in my body were receiving a mild electric shock. And now it was time for choir. In a hypomanic state a few weeks ago, I flipped out over people not managing their sheet music properly. And now I was walking in to a rehearsal even more manic than before. I knew it would take all of my focus to control my impulses.
But it was mostly ok.. I was a little spastic. I was funnier than usual. At least I think I was. There was a lot of laughter. There was an issue with sheet music. Someone stole a piece of music from one of the tenors’ folders and he got upset, and I could feel my face turning red with frustration over the thief and over the victim’s behavior. And in trying to explain something I wanted, I apparently talked gibberish a bit. Very confused faces. I made a comment quietly to the pianist and moved on. After the rehearsal, I implied to a woman that her 19-year-old daughter was hot. It turned into an awkward moment. But let me explain the context. I’ve asked the girl to sing in the new band I’m trying to form. She has a great voice and she’s nice to look at, which is a plus in a band. We’re looking for a bass player, and she said it would be hard to motivate the younger players that she knew. So I said that it shouldn’t be hard to motivate them if they knew they were going to be working with her. I mean look at her. And then came the awkward. I never would have said that if I were well.
As I’m sitting here doing my job (and writing in between), I can tell that the drugs are making me dumb again. Maybe I’ll adjust. I’m very frustrated.
It was difficult to stay professional, but I’m not manic enough
The journey continues. But is it a journey to wellness or a journey with a cliff at the end of it?