I’ve made quite a few posts on a blog which isn’t about mental illness which I felt were pret-ty pret-ty good. But when I went back and reread them, I could see that my mind was fragmented in some way. Thoughts were broken into pieces and not all the pieces were communicated. Ideas which were fairly simple were made very complex because of the way my brain was functioning at the time.
I can see that there is some level of inspiration and intelligence going on in these kinds of posts on blogs or on facebook, but when my mind settles down again I can see that something was off. There was an uncomfortable intensity and some level of incoherence.
What this likely means, is that my writing was the product of bipolar affective disorder (manic-depressive). In mania, my mind sparks with creativity but lacks the coherence to effectively present it. When the mood gets elevated high enough, you might call this kind of communication ravings.
I have raved quite a few times over the last half-decade or so. I’ll think that what I’m doing is brilliant, but it is really gibberish. Perhaps one day I’ll start a new blog mywifesaysitscrazy to publish this archive. The train of my thoughts skip ahead or even jump off the track; creating a fragmented piece of my thoughts. I’ll have a thought which results in a conclusion which result in another thought which results in another conclusion, but you might only get the first thought and the last conclusion. This may also be the product of Attention Deficit Disorder. I don’t know.
It also means that there is a certain level of delusion. I’ve gone back and reread things that I’ve written when manic and once in awhile I can see that I struck gold, but more often then not what I find is fool’s gold. Sure, it’s very glittery, but it is neither rare nor valuable.
I’ve taken down dozens, perhaps hundreds, of these kinds of posts over the years because I felt embarrassed when I reread them. I checked, and I’ve written twenty-two posts on that blog alone (I have a dozen blogs) that I either pulled down or didn’t ever publish. I’m no great artist or writer, but many of the best artists and writers have had bipolar affective disorder and we get a sense of the exhilaration and suffering which goes into their work. It’s ok to enjoy it and find meaning in it. Many of these people refuse treatment because they don’t want to lose their abilities. It’s a sacrifice they are making for their art, and perhaps for you.
People who know me best send me messages asking if I’m ok. I need this sometimes, because it’s hard for me to tell. Even now, when I look at some of my posts on my other blog I can’t tell if they’re mad or not. I depend on my wife for this. She is looking for mean-spirited or arrogant/superior or incoherent or inappropriate or too intense. I’ve been a little tight-lipped about it because I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. This blog is anonymous. I don’t share it with my friends. I created this blog because I know that there are people like me or people who love people like me who are searching for a better understanding of how bipolar works.