My illness is progressing. The medicine/dose I’ve been taking for several years is no longer working which means many of my symptoms are returning: angry outbursts, pressured speech, elevated mood, hypersexuality, obsessiveness, sleep issues, and impulsivity. So far, they don’t occur during the day. The transformation happens around 6 o’clock which is soon after I get home and start making dinner.
I’ve screamed at my daughter and now my wife. My daughter is scared. When I yelled at my daughter, everyone basically hid from me. When I yelled at my wife, I hid in the back yard and texted with my sponsor until I calmed down and became rational again.
I have some tools that I didn’t have last time. I know that my marriage is good so I can resist the delusion that it is bad and that my wife is a bad wife. I know that my hypersexuality is simply a malfunction of the brain. Although I have limited control over the way I behave towards women, I do so far have enough control to avoid situations, environments, and women who I feel attracted to unless absolutely necessary. This includes the two hot Vietnamese women at work whom I need very little contact with to do my job. This includes the two college-age girl checkers at the grocery store near my house. That includes the very vulnerable, poor boundaries, not-yet-sober woman from AA who attends my Sunday and Monday meetings and hangs all over me. I just don’t go to the places if I can help it. Of course there will be other women. Women are everywhere in case you hadn’t noticed.
So that’s my strategy at the moment. I hide until this episode passes. I don’t really know if that is a good strategy or not, but at least I’m aware enough to have a strategy. My fear is that I will go over to the dark side again. I will become deluded about my marriage. I will believe that my wife is a terrible person who neglects me and tries to control me. I know as I’m writing this that that is absolutely false. But once that kicks in, I’m not sure that I will be so aware any more. I’m worried that my Jekyll will become Hyde permanently. That’s a dangerous condition. I will most likely lose my marriage and may lose some or all of my employment because I will begin sexually harassing women at work or even at church.
Healthy, I’m appropriate with women, even shy, but sick I’m very nearly a predator. I know which women to focus on. The emotionally vulnerable woman. The woman who lives in the shadow of hot friends or coworkers. Maybe she has a big nose or big hips or something. A woman who feels neglected or unsatisfied with their husband. A young woman who is tired of immature boys and fantasizes about older men. I have a way of sorting these women out. I know intuitively how to work my way into their thoughts. I begin by lowering my boundaries in small ways. Perhaps I curse. Or I ask/offer a cigarette. It might take time and patience to ripen the fruit before I know when to pick.
I already feel myself doing these things even though I know what’s happening. It’s the lack of impulse control combined with the hypersexuality and the inflated view of myself. It’s funny. I even have body dysmorphia. I think I’m skinnier and more fit looking than I actually am. Which gives me a super amount of confidence.
I’m beginning to rethink the name of my blog: Closer to the Middle. I feel myself moving further and further from the middle.