Dr. Jekyll and Go Run and Hide

1445287639-jekyllandhyde_ticketsMy illness is progressing.  The medicine/dose I’ve been taking for several years is no longer working which means many of my symptoms are returning:  angry outbursts, pressured speech, elevated mood, hypersexuality, obsessiveness, sleep issues, and impulsivity.  So far, they don’t occur during the day.  The transformation happens around 6 o’clock which is soon after I get home and start making dinner.

I’ve screamed at my daughter and now my wife. My daughter is scared.  When I yelled at my daughter, everyone basically hid from me.  When I yelled at my wife, I hid in the back yard and texted with my sponsor until I calmed down and became rational again.

I have some tools that I didn’t have last time.  I know that my marriage is good so I can resist the delusion that it is bad and that my wife is a bad wife.  I know that my hypersexuality is simply a malfunction of the brain.  Although I have limited control over the way I behave towards women, I do so far have enough control to avoid situations, environments, and women who I feel attracted to unless absolutely necessary.  This includes the two hot Vietnamese women at work whom I need very little contact with to do my job.  This includes the two college-age girl checkers at the grocery store near my house.  That includes the very vulnerable, poor boundaries, not-yet-sober woman from AA who attends my Sunday and Monday meetings and hangs all over me.  I just don’t go to the places if I can help it.  Of course there will be other women.  Women are everywhere in case you hadn’t noticed.

So that’s my strategy at the moment.  I hide until this episode passes.  I don’t really know if that is a good strategy or not, but at least I’m aware enough to have a strategy.  My fear is that I will go over to the dark side again.  I will become deluded about my marriage.  I will believe that my wife is a terrible person who neglects me and tries to control me.  I know as I’m writing this that that is absolutely false.  But once that kicks in, I’m not sure that I will be so aware any more.  I’m worried that my Jekyll will become Hyde permanently.  That’s a dangerous condition.  I will most likely lose my marriage and may lose some or all of my employment because I will begin sexually harassing women at work or even at church.

Healthy, I’m appropriate with women, even shy, but sick I’m very nearly a predator.  I know which women to focus on.  The emotionally vulnerable woman.  The woman who lives in the shadow of hot friends or coworkers.  Maybe she has a big nose or big hips or something. A woman who feels neglected or unsatisfied with their husband.  A young woman who is tired of immature boys and fantasizes about older men.  I have a way of sorting these women out. I know intuitively how to work my way into their thoughts.  I begin by lowering my boundaries in small ways.  Perhaps I curse.  Or I ask/offer a cigarette.  It might take time and patience to ripen the fruit before I know when to pick.

I already feel myself doing these things even though I know what’s happening.  It’s the lack of impulse control combined with the hypersexuality and the inflated view of myself. It’s funny.  I even have body dysmorphia.  I think I’m skinnier and more fit looking than I actually am.  Which gives me a super amount of confidence.

I’m beginning to rethink the name of my blog: Closer to the Middle.  I feel myself moving further and further from the middle.

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