Still Closer to the Middle

closertothemiddleI’ve been writing this blog off and on for four years.  I generally write when I’m sick.  I write other blogs when I’m well.  It’s anonymous so that I can be candid.  If my wife and friends searched hard enough and read enough, they might identify me, but it is unlikely.  I’ve read other bipolar blogs.  I read informative blogs, depressive blogs, angry manic blogs.  Once and awhile, I’ll write about bipolar on my other blog which is not anonymous.  I’ve received so much support and have been able to reach so many people with information about the condition and how it affects me, for example on #WorldBipolarDay.

But I guess this blog for two things.  1.) to journal my experience for my own sake 2.) To offer a narrative for those who feel alone in the bipolar world.  Even though I’m solidly BP I, my experience isn’t as extreme as most of the ones I read about.  There are many people like me (closer to the middle) who cannot relate to the extreme cases which are the public face of the disorder.  In a sad sort of way, I wish I was my extreme, then no one would question my disorder.

Mania is my primary state when I’m sick. I started to list my symptoms, but it was pretty much every one in the book.  It’s the hypersexuality that will get my divorced or dead from an angry husband.   My depression is a combination of nostalgia, malaise, and irritability. Now that I’m sober, I get depressed less.  I highly recommend sobriety for any bipolar.  As I’m writing this, I feel myself coming down.  Maybe it’s just the afternoon drowsies.  I will get a cup of coffee.  I’ve been up for more than a month.  It will be no surprise if I go down.

My downs are not so painful as others’ downs.  I won’t be suicidal.  I’m really too much of a narcissistic to want to kill myself.  In short spurts, they are even welcome, a break from my freneticism. I listen to sad songs…my favorite kind of song. I watch TV commercials from my childhood.   I used to drink drink drink and drink.  But thankfully, I’ve come to value my sobriety too much to do that.  It’s not so bad.  I’m not exactly good at my job when I’m depressed, but my current job is so easy that I can do it depressed.

Anyway, for those of you who are new followers, I thought I’d give you a rundown.

 

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