More Wellness than Illness

wellnessI saw my psych doctor this morning in the hopes of getting my mania under control.  He’s got a new employee whom I’ve seen in the last few visits.  She performs the duty of a nurse, although I don’t know if she is one.  She checks my vitals and asks about my symptoms and sobriety.  She a very pretty young lady.  Maybe 27 or so.

When I’m hypersexual and less inhibited, it’s difficult for me to be in a room alone with such a pretty woman.   It’s like if you put me in a room alone with a glass of scotch.  I could resist drinking it, but it sure wouldn’t be a comfortable situation.  She’s already confided in me about her alcoholism.  I don’t consider it unprofessional, but it is very personal.  I know how to use that.

Sometimes I wish I were single, not because I don’t love my wife and want to be married to her, but because the burden of fidelity with my disorder is heavy.  I can never cheat again, nor do I want to.  I’ve used up all of my chances.   I want so badly to be a good husband.  But if this illness strikes back hard enough, I will see this all very differently.  I will not see my wife is loving and supportive.  I will see her as frigid, untrusting,  and controlling.  It’s happened before.  I created a delusion to justify my behavior. Or maybe it’s not exactly a delusion. Perhaps I create the behavior in her.  I start getting sneaky and dishonest which makes her snoopy and insecure and less open to intimacy.  Either way, it’s something that seemed to vanish when I got better.

The doctor and I talked for awhile about my symptoms and about any changes in my lifestyle.  I’m back to swimming nearly every day, which speeds up my metabolism and is causing me to lose weight. I mused that maybe a faster metabolism could could affect how quickly I metabolize my pills.  He didn’t seem sure.  It’s possible to metabolize pills too quickly, but that has more to do with the liver.  I quit drinking 9 months ago, and that could affect my liver functioning, so maybe.  It’s spring, and many bipolars have a manic mood shift in spring.

At first, he wanted to bump up my Geodon, but I reminded him that that gave me panic attacks last time.  Yikes!  That was awful!  So he decided to try Seroquel for when I come home from work which is when it is the worst.  He said it would be more calming than Geodon.  Sounds good.  Calming.  Yes.

He told me about my labs.  My blood sugar/insulin is now in a healthy range again due to changes in my diet no doubt.  I was low in vitamin D.   He reminded me that I should be taking fish oil and B-Complex which I ran out of and totally forgot about it.  These things have made a difference for me before.

The truth is, that although I’m experiencing mental illness, my body is healthy, I’ve not cheated, I’ve not jeopardized my job, and I’m completely sober.  I’m more well than ill.

And so my journey continues.  I nearly wrote “journey to wellness”, but it doesn’t seem like that anymore.  It is simply my journey, and hopefully there is more wellness than illness.



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