My recent struggles with mania have included manic sexuality (hypersexuality). I’ve kept this a secret from my wife. She is suffering from PTSD in part because of my previous episodes. I didn’t want to trigger her. I believed that I mentioned it to her already. I told her I wouldn’t be attending two of my AA meetings because of the woman who has equally poor boundaries. I was surprised when she said nothing about it. I know now that what I said hadn’t registered with her at all.
And so when she asked me if I would be going to the meetings, I reminded her of my issues with the woman at those meetings. I’m certain she heard me this time. I could feel her alarm. I tried to assure her that everything would be ok.
“Look. Not to worry. My motto is When in Doubt, Don’t Go Out. I won’t go to those meetings until it subsides.”
“You’ve not been going out because of this?”
“I stay home as much as possible. I go to an AA men’s group, choir practice, church, and the grocery store.”
The truth is that the grocery store is a problem for me. There is a young woman there who I’ve been very subtly courting. I don’t have to go to the that store at all, but I’m having a hard time resisting. I haven’t been overt with her at all, and I have no intention of having more than a very minor flirtation with her, but I know how these things can get out of hand. At the very least, it’s a long shot. She can’t be much older than 18 or 19. I’m a very youngish 43. It’s absurd really, but some girls are into that.
This, I cannot tell my wife. I have to learn how to deal with it. The best way would be to shop elsewhere. I’d save 20-30 dollars a week if I did. The female staff and the store’s location (a very distant 2nd) are really the only reasons I go there.
I don’t yet know the result of my confession. Perhaps she has already stuffed it back down. She’s regretting her therapy. She’s being asked to delve into her painful past and it is destabilizing her emotional state. She’s ready to close that door up again. I’m very concerned about this. There’s only so long a person can do this.
If I could remove one symptom it would be this. This is the scary one. It might end my marriage. And the thing is, I like this symptom. Unlike many others, this is a pleasurable one, and so when I have it, I struggle to want to do anything about it. A fellow hypersexual bipolar blogger has embraced it. She owns it as a part of herself. It looks very good on her. I don’t know her relationship status, but it can’t be very good for a marriage if it is like mine. The only way I could embrace it is if I were terminally single. When my marriage appeared to be breaking up, this is what I believed my fate would be: alone, drunk, and having a series of meaningless sexual encounters. I’ve defied that fate so far, but how long can it last?