Now that I’m coming out of hypersexual mania, I do not feel myself slipping away down the path of infidelity. But some damage is done. When I was manic I drew some attention from a gorgeous woman at work…at the age that always goes for me when I’m manic….ten years my senior (53-ish). Women that age are brimming with sexual energy. Honestly, I don’t even remember flirting, it’s more of a moth to a flame situation. The channel is open.
She hasn’t spoken to me in weeks. I believe she has been avoiding me. She is a conservative Christian, the horniest of all, who may have come a little too close to the flame and felt guilty. But today she gave in and kicked it up a notch. She was wearing one of my fantasy outfits. Tight pencil skirt. Silky blouse unbuttoned one hole too low. She has a great figure. She came to my desk to look at some data and placed her hands on my body 4 or 5 times, each time a little longer. Shoulder, back, arm. She indicated a desire to continue to work with me and that she would enjoy that.
The thing is, I did not return any flirtation consciously. I simply enjoyed it…received it without protest. Everybody likes attention from an attractive person. And honestly, even though I’m mostly straight, it feels good to get attention from men as well. The result is the same: a person found me attractive.
But as I’ve said before in Healing After Bipolar Infidelity, once you’ve committed adultery, something changes irrecoverably in your psyche. The channel is always open. You know how easy it is to make it happen. You know how quickly the decision can be made and executed. It might be as simple as another manic episode, the right time, the right place. The thing is, even a flirtation is against my reconciliation agreement with my wife. I’m playing with fire.
But as I’ve said, I’m not manic at the moment. Short of confronting her, I cannot control her attraction to me. It will pass if I continue not to respond.