Recluse: A Solution?

hideincave-300x246It’s month three of manic symptoms.  I’m hesitant to call it a manic episode.  I’d say hypomanic, but there are symptoms that surpass that.  I’m hesitant because the intensity of my symptoms are relatively low.  Also, I don’t trust my own diagnoses.  The primary solutions are hyperactivity in blogging (2-3 posts a day), hypersexuality, and explosive bursts of rage.

The blogging is harmless, but the others are destructive.  My strategy has been when in doubt don’t go out.  And so, I’m becoming a recluse.  Yesterday, I picked up take out for dinner, came home, took my meds, put on my pajamas, and got into bed.  I avoided contact with as many people as possible.  I didn’t leave the bedroom for several hours until I felt good enough that I could watch Silicon Valley with my son.

I have not treated my son poorly throughout this episode.  Most of my anger has been focused on my wife and daughter.  I really don’t know why.  Teenage girls can aggravate anyone, especially one with bipolar.  I’m not sure what’s going on with my wife, but I have very little patience for her usual spousal stuff.

But is being a recluse a good strategy for dealing with grumpy and super-sexual behavior?  It seems like a wise solution in the short-term.  I ordered my groceries online with Walmart to avoid my cute checkout girl crush even though I detest Walmart.  But what about the long term?  When if this is the new normal and I will never return to my previous level state?  I don’t want to be so limited.

The truth is, people with bipolar are limited.  It is a disability after all.  We have limitations.  Our dis-abilities vary based on the person and their mood.  In my case, right now, I haven’t been able to be around certain women because I can’t predict how I will behave around them.  I can go swim at the Y, but I can’t get into the hot tub.  I recently found myself connecting with a woman whom, if we’d been left alone, I would have done anything with.  I was just that close to committing a marriage-ending adultery and getting kicked out of the YMCA OR arrested and put on the sex offenders’s list.

I have limitations, and that is very hard to accept, but I’m getting better at it.  I’m self-limiting myself, rather than putting my wife in a position to do it.  And right now, my self-limiting is holding up in my bedroom until I’m good;  a recluse.

 

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2 thoughts on “Recluse: A Solution?

  1. Hypersexuality is the hardest part of bipolar for me. I’ve done so many shameful things when manic and have hurt those I love. It’s a constant struggle that fills me with guilt and pain.

    • I’ve heard from several hyper sexual bipolars in the last few weeks. Almost all of them struggle with guilt and shame over their inability to curb their sexual appetites. I’ve only encountered one who has simply accepted that that’s who she is and that’s the lifestyle she chooses to live. I am married and cannot live that way. Hypersexuality is tricky because it is such a marvelous feeling, but after the dust settles it is horrific. I’d rather be locked up than to cheat again.

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