Honest Confession

crocus-e1376455304190

A flower so pretty, but deadly poisonous.  Autumn crocus, also known as Colchicum autumnale or naked lady.

The whole M.O. for this blog is 100% honesty.  I share my life unashamedly on the condition of my anonymity.  If I hit on a high school girl, I admit it.  If I masturbate (God I hate that word… get off, jack off, self-pleasure, self-abuse, wack off…Jesus, there is no good way to phrase it) in the men’s bathroom at work, I admit it.  And now I have to make a confession that I’m just now making to myself.

 

Some of you have been following my travails as a hypersexual.  I’ve been more manic and hypersexual this last few months than in years.  It’s upsetting, but it feels really good.  It makes going anywhere there are women awesome.  I seek out sexual energy and enjoy it while I’m around it.  I create it where I can.  But now my new meds (Seroquel) are kicking in.  It is diminishing, but my behavior is not changing.

girls20guy1I’m headed for a situation where I’m not ill, but just a lech.  This is the last thing I want to happen.  The end of that road is inevitable:  divorce.    I’ve worked too hard to let that happen.  Honestly, I’m not sure what’s going on.  Maybe I’m still really manic and that’s why this is happening.  Maybe it’s because I feel that I’m looking better than I have since my treatment.  I like feeling attractive.  I like it when a woman checks me out.  And yes you women do check out guys, you’re just a little more subtle than we are.

My daughter treated me to a filet mignon at a restaurant she works at last night.  Our waitress was named Kat….sexy.  She was built like a runway model which isn’t usually my thing, but she had a certain quality, a certain energy that attracted me to her.  She knew how to work a customer like me.  I suppose she thought I was paying.  No big deal.  We shared some good eye contact and we joked around.  This is just what servers do sometimes.  It doesn’t necessarily mean anything.  And I certainly didn’t want to embarrass my daughter with an open flirtation.  She has to work with these people.  But it felt good.  It feels good to get some attention from a beautiful young woman, even if she was just fishing for a good tip…which she would certainly have gotten from me if I were paying.  But energy was exchanged.  Of that I am certain.  That’s what I live off when I’m manic

But what happens when the mania goes away?  When I was untreated, I started smoking cigarettes, drinking heavily, smoking weed, and sleeping around.  And now I’m stuck with it.  I’ve only just quit smoking and only after it damaged my singing voice.  I have to go to AA for the drinking, I lost a job because of the weed, and now I know how to cheat.  This is part of the destructive path of a full-blown manic episode.  When it’s over, you have to pick up the pieces.  You have to take as much responsibility as you possibly can.

So maybe what I’m experiencing is an ingrained pattern that has nothing to do with mania again.  Certainly it was triggered by my current (or recent?) episode, but what do I do now?  I’ve already planted seeds with several women which could flower whether I want them to or not.  And in what scenario are flowers bad?  When they are poisonous, I suppose.

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12 thoughts on “Honest Confession

  1. Try thinking of the family of the young girls you hit on, how violated and alarmed they might feel. Bipolar is a disease that turns us inward because we want to feel good. But at what cost? Part of recovery is learning to pause for a moment to think of consequences. You must rid yourself of that behavior because its destructive all around.

      • Thsts good. It sounded like you did, maybe you were explaining the fantasy you were having. (Please excuse me, new meds began on Friday) it sounds like you’re really applying yourself in trying to do better. Keep up the good work. Pray when the fantasies come that they can be appropriate. I do, it helps.

      • No, I was a little flirtatious…or maybe just a little extra friendly? All relative. But no suggestions. Nothing inappropriate. It it were my daughter, I might pay close attention to a guy acting like me, but I would probably just see a very friendly guy. Honest to goodness, I did not think she was that young. That’s why I am freaked out. I am working on this. I saw my doc this morning. He is working very hard with me to help me straighten this out before I say or do something I will regret. I’m trying to get a new psychologist at the moment as well. My current one is very passive. More like a guiding listener. I need someone who’s going to get up in my grill a little and help me with some accountability. Truly, this stuff is not a problem when I am well. I’ve been well for so long…years, and so I haven’t had to deal with this problem, and yes, even flirtation is a problem because it’s like the insanity of alcoholism: the insanity is in believing that I can just take one drink. I can move a flirtation into an affair very quickly if I see a green light when I’m manic. I never want this to happen again…and especially not with a vulnerable 18-year-old.

      • At least you have the courage to look at the work you need to do. Please forgive me if i have offended you in any way, thats never my intention. sounds like you re in charted waters and thats good for recovery. .

      • Not offended. Just wanted to be clear. I haven’t hit on anyone since my treatment began in 2011. I know that’s the bare minimum for a husband, but for me it is a big accomplishment. I don’t want to lose that to bipolar.

      • I do want to be courageous, and that starts with honesty, but at some point I’m going to have to back it up with some sort of coping skill. Right now, but best strategy has been When in Doubt DON’T GO OUT. When I stay away from all of these places where I’m struggling, or where I’ve just plain given up, then I don’t have to struggle so hard. If I can just not take that first step toward a situation made problematic by a vicious disorder, then I’ve won some sort of battle. And maybe that’s good enough. Maybe I’ll get level again and the problem will go away for another day

      • Well i certainly admire your candidness and courage to take it one step at a time-to make a step is soooo blasted hard at times. Its easier to close your eyes but you’re conscientiously fighting and you can do nothing but win. Dont know you but im proud of you.

      • Thank you. I am very touched by your words, bipoblogger. I’m thinking I needed that. (tears). No one ever gives us credit for the very act of living out a healthy life as best as we can. Taking our meds. Eating healthy. Swimming those laps. Holding down a job. Showing patience with people. Going to therapy. Or even just going to sleep when you don’t want to. No one has told me that they were proud for my endless effort to be healthy. They will more likely say, “Thank God, [Daniel] didn’t have one of THOSE days. I have enough to deal with.”

        Thanks. Much Love.

      • You are always welcomed. Sometimes its just a kind acknowledgment that gets us through to the next step we have to take. Take other people’s frustration with a grain of salt. I find most people are unhappy with themselves and we are in the wrong place at the wrong time. It happens more often than not. Keep up the good work and thanks for your kind words too.:-)

  2. Maybe it isn’t a pattern of events that keep happening but a pattern of self-destructive coping mechanisms?

    I’d say I probably have a similar track record as you, but as a woman it has been almost too easy to be in a relationship with more than one person at a time. When that hyper sexuality comes along (and hypomania) I fell into the routine of drinking, sleeping around, and feeling free to peruse whatever piqued my interest at the time.

    I can definitely relate because my current relationship is one I’ve had for 8 years without “messing up” (as I’d put it). That has meant finding ways to cope with that urge differently than I have in the past.

    At first that meant hiding in my apartment all the time like a lunatic because I was afraid if I’d go out I’d run into someone attractive and cheat. I also have a lot of elements of OCD, so it has also been a problem where I begin to obsess with someone in my community and then become afraid to go to the grocery store/post office/park for fear that I’d run into that person and cheat. Obviously being reclusive works, but it hasn’t been super helpful in providing any sense of happiness or release.

    I’ve been in a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) class the past 6 months and I’ve been really impressed at how many ideas they have provided for safely coping with most of the urges I come upon living with bipolar disorder. Yeah it takes some self-discipline, but it has helped that the class has homework so my actions are being directly held accountable by a group each week.

    The urges are still there, but I feel like I am in a position where I have no more excuses not to direct my urges into something useful, and when not useful… at least harmless.

    • I need a 12-step program for this! I need a coping mechanism TONIGHT. I just hired a pianist friend who I’ve been crushing on since we first gig’d together in 2011. Nothing’s ever happened except the time I saw her band, got drunk off my ass, and sent her a late night drunk text where I told her how flippin’ hot she is when she plays. I apologized the next day and it was cool, but that means she knows that I’m attracted. Soon after we decided to build a recital together. She wanted to work at her house, but I had told tell her my parameters: not being alone in any woman’s house or with any woman alone in my house. She was cool with it. She didn’t ask any questions. First I thought doing stuff together was a one way deal, but after we had to take a break on the recital she buzzed me a couple of months ago that she missed working with me and wanted to start again in the summer. 16 years my junior, and extraordinarily attractive to me…think Jennifer Aniston hipster…doesn’t matter, I’m an equal opportunity lech. So tonight, I am meeting her early to rehearse before the choir arrives. I will be alone with her. I honestly don’t know if she is attracted to me. I pray that she is not. I say that I would have hired someone else if I could but there was no one else who could do it for cheap on short notice. That is true, but it wouldn’t have made a difference. Please! Tips are welcome! I don’t think I would have sex in my place of employment (a church). But I just don’t think I could turn down a kiss.

      OR, I can go to my recent fantasy…God, this is lame…that she comes on to me, and I let her down easy. I get the pleasure of knowing someone is into me and being the strong one and turning her down. Then, I did nothing wrong. That’s almost as good as a kiss and guilt free.

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