The whole M.O. for this blog is 100% honesty. I share my life unashamedly on the condition of my anonymity. If I hit on a high school girl, I admit it. If I masturbate (God I hate that word… get off, jack off, self-pleasure, self-abuse, wack off…Jesus, there is no good way to phrase it) in the men’s bathroom at work, I admit it. And now I have to make a confession that I’m just now making to myself.
Some of you have been following my travails as a hypersexual. I’ve been more manic and hypersexual this last few months than in years. It’s upsetting, but it feels really good. It makes going anywhere there are women awesome. I seek out sexual energy and enjoy it while I’m around it. I create it where I can. But now my new meds (Seroquel) are kicking in. It is diminishing, but my behavior is not changing.
I’m headed for a situation where I’m not ill, but just a lech. This is the last thing I want to happen. The end of that road is inevitable: divorce. I’ve worked too hard to let that happen. Honestly, I’m not sure what’s going on. Maybe I’m still really manic and that’s why this is happening. Maybe it’s because I feel that I’m looking better than I have since my treatment. I like feeling attractive. I like it when a woman checks me out. And yes you women do check out guys, you’re just a little more subtle than we are.
My daughter treated me to a filet mignon at a restaurant she works at last night. Our waitress was named Kat….sexy. She was built like a runway model which isn’t usually my thing, but she had a certain quality, a certain energy that attracted me to her. She knew how to work a customer like me. I suppose she thought I was paying. No big deal. We shared some good eye contact and we joked around. This is just what servers do sometimes. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything. And I certainly didn’t want to embarrass my daughter with an open flirtation. She has to work with these people. But it felt good. It feels good to get some attention from a beautiful young woman, even if she was just fishing for a good tip…which she would certainly have gotten from me if I were paying. But energy was exchanged. Of that I am certain. That’s what I live off when I’m manic
But what happens when the mania goes away? When I was untreated, I started smoking cigarettes, drinking heavily, smoking weed, and sleeping around. And now I’m stuck with it. I’ve only just quit smoking and only after it damaged my singing voice. I have to go to AA for the drinking, I lost a job because of the weed, and now I know how to cheat. This is part of the destructive path of a full-blown manic episode. When it’s over, you have to pick up the pieces. You have to take as much responsibility as you possibly can.
So maybe what I’m experiencing is an ingrained pattern that has nothing to do with mania again. Certainly it was triggered by my current (or recent?) episode, but what do I do now? I’ve already planted seeds with several women which could flower whether I want them to or not. And in what scenario are flowers bad? When they are poisonous, I suppose.