Idle Hands and Devils

Things have been a little slow at work.  I’m not a professional blogger…ha ha…I’m actually a software engineer for “The Government”.  Lemme tell you a little about gov’ment work.  I can go weeks without anything to do.  This is not a healthy environment for me.  Before, I worked for a software company where I was working late nights and weekends.  It wasn’t unusual to be writing code at midnight.  And THAT is not a healthy environment for a person with bipolar, either.  The stress, the pressure, the deadlines…it’s no wonder I became thoroughly addicted to alcohol in my time there. Also, late nights with pretty geeks, also not good.

This desolate work slate is not a healthy environment for me.  This is why I’m writing, on average, about 20k words a week over the last few weeks.  Boys and girls, this isn’t my only blog.  I have 17 registered blogs on WordPress, and I am actively writing several of those.  So maybe I should become a professional blogger, then (ha ha), if I am so driven to write.  Because not once have I been approached about any of my blogs.  No interviews, few cross posts, few link backs, only a handful of reviews on my fiction.  It’s not happening.  I’m just not good enough.  I have another blog on which I write polished essays and articles mostly unrelated to mental health, but that’s not this blog.  This blog is just a daily vomit of my struggles which may or may not be helpful, well-written, or entertaining.   I know this, folks.  I have no illusions about my abilities as a writer.  So, no writing career for me on the horizon.  The only thing anyone will pay me to write is code!  Which is good because I get payed far more per word as a software engineer than I would as a writer. But blogging is fun, and I think it is cathartic.  I think

I like to think that it is useful to me to write, but I suspect it triggers obsessive compulsive tendencies, narcissism, grandiosity, hyper-this-and-that, delusional thinking, vanity, and more.  I can see it when I reread it.  My writing is filthy with mania right now.

But this is only my second post of the day, which is half of what I’ve been doing BECAUSE I finally have a project to work on. Yayyyyy!!  It’s not a done deal, but I’m preparing for it anyway.  Without getting too technical, I’ve gotta take a very old system written in very old technology, with no spec, no documentation, running on mainframe computers that we will no longer be able to use in 2 months  and reverse engineer it to function exactly the same on different machines in a more modern language, and make the design better while I’m at it, fully tested, production ready by July 11th.  Impossible?  Probably. Gonna bust my ass to make it happen?  DEFINITELY.   FINALLY!! Something at work that is more interesting then blogging.

My hope is that I might achieve some balance from being useful at work for awhile.  And if I’m successful, my stock as the new guy will go WAY up.  Instead of my head being filled with my thoughts, problems, struggles, and complexities, it will be filled with code.

(Sigh) But even as I’m writing this, I can see there’s no escaping mania.  When you’re manic it follows you everywhere.  In my exercise, in my meditation, in my work, at AA, in my relaxing.   It doesn’t matter what I am doing, I’m still manic.  I even pray maniacally.  This post is a mess.  I am a mess.  I’m almost up to a therapeutic dose of Seroquel (added to Geodon, Lamictal, and Lithium).  I really need some relief.

You know, you would think being bipolar I would be used to this shit.  But I started treatment in 2011.  My mania first became a problem in 2009.  I’ve been very successfully treated.  I’ve not struggled with more of a week of mania or depression since 2011.  Going on 3 months of hypo and regular mania.  I’m exhausting the patience of my poor wife.  She has enough to deal with already including a bipolar daughter living with us who keeps throwing up her meds.

Usually, I know just when to end a post.  I’ll come to a conclusion, or maybe a really snappy phrase that pulls it all together BOOM.  Not happening.  This was supposed to be my last sentence:

Instead of my head being filled with my thoughts, problems, struggles, and complexities, it will be filled with code.

But, I reread and saw that this was just a big shitball of a post and there was no summing it up, so…

EDIT:  This was my 100th post.  A real winner.

 

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