I will be having some one-on-one rehearsal with a pianist I’ve been crushing on for a few years. Imagine a 20-something, hipster Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston has been my number one celebrity crush since whenever Friends first aired during my college years…me and a billion other guys. This pianist is super talented, which is a huge turn on. I love watching a woman get totally lost in the expression of their music. We’ve worked together off and on for a few years. We’re working on a classical recital together. I hire her to substitute for my pianist at church. I hire her to play for my private voice students. She’s my go-to gal. And when we perform together, we click as much as two musicians can click. She likes my philosophy that an accompanist is an equal partner, not just a supporting character. Singers and trumpeters and violinists abuse and disrespect their pianists regularly. They dictate every little aspect of the music. I give my pianists freedom to express themselves and then I work with it. Pianists love me for that.
So the first question is, why is she my go-to gal? Is it because she is the best? The most available? The cheapest? The truth is, I wish she were a better sight reader. My regular pianist studied in Brussels, has a PHD, and can sight read absolutely anything I put in front of her right in the rehearsal with no prep. She’s a little unusual in that sense. But hipster Aniston is always available. She feels like I’m paying her a fortune because she is poor as dirt, and because employers stiff pianists all the time (weddings, funerals, church serves) I do pay pretty well, but she reeeally needs the money, so $40 for a gig will bring her food for a few days or pay a water bill. But, I can be honest, I like to work with her because I’m very attracted to her. She’s fun to be around. If I were single I might make a move, but we’d be very incompatible. She is a free spirit and very unconventional. I’m not a hipster kind of guy at all. At the moment, I’m wearing a crisp pinstriped dress shirt, neatly pressed pants, highly polished leather shoes, clean-shaven, and short hair with a part. Who knows? Maybe she likes the look of a grown man with a grown up job instead of grungy, coffee slinging guy with man bun.
So, I’m all about honesty with this blog. I dig this girl and I always jump at the chance to be with her without breaking any rules. That’s what it really comes down to. So what do I do tonight in the 45 minutes I will be alone with her making music tonight? I’m certain I could turn down a sexual advance. I’m certain that I will not hit on her. It’s the kiss I worry about. I put kiss into the category of cheating, but still….it’s kind of a gray area. It’s just a kiss, right? Or is it like that first drink for an alcoholic?
But in my struggles, I remembered a fantasy I’ve been nursing about her. We’re alone in her piano studio rehearsing. We totally nail the song and create a tremendous energy between the to of us. There is euphoria in the room. She stands up and takes a drink of water.
She tells me how amazing that was, then she says, “You know, I have a confession to make.” she blushes, ” I have this huge crush on you. I know you’re married, but I just had to say it.”
I say, “Jesus, wow. That makes me feel really good. I can confess that I have a huge crush on you too, but you’re right I am married. My cheating days are over. You would have had me right here on the piano 5 years ago for sure. But I really want my marriage to work.”
“Oh my God, I’m really embarrassed. I don’t want to cause any trouble for you. Is that why you can’t rehearse at my house?”
“Yeah. I only have so much resolve. You are an extraordinarily beautiful woman. There are times where I’m afraid I would be at your mercy. I don’t want to put you in that position. Look, we have a good thing going. We have a lot of really good energy that might diminish if we put it into an affair. Let’s just stick to the music. Besides, I’m a much better singer than I am a lover. Ok, let’s try the Chausson and really make it sizzle.”
This is not a sexual fantasy really, but it is a powerful one for me. I come with a lot of insecurities from early in my life. I had plenty of girlfriends, but I never had a lot of sexual charisma… until bipolar. When a woman is attracted to me, I feel validated in some sily way. Sometimes, that’s really good enough. I don’t know that I have something to prove, but I do get something out of it. No one can fault me for that, perhaps not even my wife. This is the fantasy that could save my ass.
P.S. – This could have something to do with the fact that my wife does not have much sexual interest in me since my breakdown. We’re pushing 2 years of celibacy. Wow. That’s hard to see in writing. And the thing is? I don’t really care that much. I’m just glad she took me back after all of the pain and suffering I caused her.