Recurring Fantasy That May Save My Ass

Jennifer-Aniston-Rachel-HairstyleI will be having some one-on-one rehearsal with a pianist I’ve been crushing on for a few years.  Imagine a 20-something, hipster Jennifer Aniston.  Jennifer Aniston has been my number one celebrity crush since whenever Friends first aired during my college years…me and a billion other guys.   This pianist is super talented, which is a huge turn on.  I love watching a woman get totally lost in the expression of their music.  We’ve worked together off and on for a few years.  We’re working on a classical recital together.  I hire her to substitute for my pianist at church.  I hire her to play for my private voice students.  She’s my go-to gal.  And when we perform together, we click as much as two musicians can click.  She likes my philosophy that an accompanist is an equal partner, not just a supporting character.  Singers and trumpeters and violinists abuse and disrespect their pianists regularly.  They dictate every little aspect of the music.  I give my pianists freedom to express themselves and then I work with it.  Pianists love me for that.

So the first question is, why is she my go-to gal?  Is it because she is the best?  The most available?  The cheapest?  The truth is, I wish she were a better sight reader.  My regular pianist studied in Brussels, has a PHD, and can sight read absolutely anything I put in front of her right in the rehearsal with no prep.  She’s a little unusual in that sense.  But hipster Aniston is always available.  She feels like I’m paying her a fortune because she is poor as dirt, and because employers stiff pianists all the time (weddings, funerals, church serves)  I do pay pretty well, but she reeeally needs the money, so $40 for a gig will bring her food for a few days or pay a water bill.  But, I can be honest, I like to work with her because I’m very attracted to her.  She’s fun to be around.  If I were single I might make a move, but we’d be very incompatible.  She is a free spirit and very unconventional.   I’m not a hipster kind of guy at all.  At the moment, I’m wearing a crisp pinstriped dress shirt, neatly pressed pants, highly polished leather shoes, clean-shaven, and short hair with a part.  Who knows?  Maybe she likes the look of a grown man with a grown up job instead of grungy, coffee slinging guy with man bun.

So, I’m all about honesty with this blog.  I dig this girl and I always jump at the chance to be with her without breaking any rules.  That’s what it really comes down to.  So what do I do tonight in the 45 minutes I will be alone with her making music tonight?  I’m certain I could turn down a sexual advance.  I’m certain that I will not hit on her.  It’s the kiss I worry about.  I put kiss into the category of cheating, but still….it’s kind of a gray area.  It’s just a kiss, right?  Or is it like that first drink for an alcoholic?

But in my struggles, I remembered a fantasy I’ve been nursing about her.  We’re alone in her piano studio rehearsing.  We totally nail the song and create a tremendous energy between the to of us.  There is euphoria in the room.  She stands up and takes a drink of water.

She tells me how amazing that was, then she says, “You know, I have a confession to make.” she blushes, ” I have this huge crush on you.  I know you’re married, but I just had to say it.”

I say, “Jesus, wow.  That makes me feel really good.  I can confess that I have a huge crush on you too, but you’re right  I am married.  My cheating days are over.  You would have had me right here on the piano 5 years ago for sure.  But I really want my marriage to work.”

“Oh my God, I’m really embarrassed.  I don’t want to cause any trouble for you.  Is that why you can’t rehearse at my house?”

“Yeah.  I only have so much resolve.  You are an extraordinarily beautiful woman.  There are times where I’m afraid I would be at your mercy.  I don’t want to put you in that position.  Look, we have a good thing going.  We have a lot of really good energy that might diminish if we put it into an affair.  Let’s just stick to the music.  Besides, I’m a much better singer than I am a lover.  Ok, let’s try the Chausson and really make it sizzle.”

This is not a sexual fantasy really, but it is a powerful one for me.  I come with a lot of insecurities from early in my life.  I had plenty of girlfriends, but I never had a lot of sexual charisma… until bipolar.  When a woman is attracted to me, I feel validated in some sily way.  Sometimes, that’s really good enough.  I don’t know that I have something to prove, but I do get something out of it.  No one can fault me for that, perhaps not even my wife.  This is the fantasy that could save my ass.

P.S. – This could have something to do with the fact that my wife does not have much sexual interest in me since my breakdown.  We’re pushing 2 years of celibacy.  Wow.  That’s hard to see in writing.  And the thing is?  I don’t really care that much.  I’m just glad she took me back after all of the pain and suffering I caused her.



One thought on “Recurring Fantasy That May Save My Ass

  1. I was saved from the scenario. We didn’t end up meeting before the rehearsal. I dropped the music by her studio, rehearsed the choir with her later, and said goodbye with very little chit chat. Also, there was no personal chemistry. Perhaps that is that. No complaints here.

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