Close To Acceptance

I write this blog when I’m ill.  When I get better, I turn my attention to other blogs, and so if you go way back you’ll find huge gaps in my posting.  However, if you look at my recent activity you’ll find more than 50 posts since February 23rd.  That’s a record for frequency for me.  That’s 1.6 posts a day, or thereabouts.  What this means is that I’ve been out of balance for 3 months.  This hasn’t happened since before treatment.  I have no explanation other than my illness is progressing.

My doctor is working on it with me, and sometimes it seems to be getting better.  I feel pretty good in the morning.  I feel good right now, but at some point I will likely rev up.  I’m beginning to wonder if this is the new normal for me.

When I was first diagnosed, I saw a therapist every week, and that went on for several years.  But after a long enough stretch of being level, I stopped going.  Also, she stopped helping me.  She kind of tuned out, and it kind of turned into a narcissistic binge of my problems with no guidance.  I’m trying to schedule with a new guy.  My goal will be to learn how to deal with what might be my new normal.  And I want to understand how to cope with my undesirable behavior.  I’m starting to feel that it is not just the illness, and that perhaps the illness is simply magnifying my latent tendencies.

As I’ve written before, once you’ve cheated in a marriage, it changes you.  It opens up a door that seems like it cannot be closed just as when my bipolar became triggered.  If I don’t learn how to cope with this tendency soon, it’s just a matter of time before it happens.  It will just take the right time, the right mood, the right person, the right place…the right opportunity.  That scenario is somewhere down the road waiting for me.  And what will I do to resist that?  I can’t just hide away in my house for the rest of my life.  I have to learn to live in a world where there will always be temptations.

I am very sad as I’m writing this.  I am on the verge of accepting that this is simply who I am, and that this mood instability is going to continue indefinitely which means that I must also accept that I must take responsibility for it.  I must unravel the mystery of why I behave this way.  Maybe it goes like this:

  1. I regret remaining (technically) a virgin until marriage at 21.  My wife had several partners before, and I struggle with that inequity.
  2. My wife and I have only had sex a few times since my diagnosis in 2011 and was already infrequent for the previous 17 years.
  3. I wasn’t cool in high school or college or my 20s.  I want to be  cool now.  
  4. I know how exciting it is to cheat.  I love the beginnings of relationships.  Not just the sex, but the feelings.
  5. I have something to prove.
  6. My wife, though she treats me well, does not treat me as someone she is attracted to.  I treat her like a queen, not to get sex but to show her how much I love her.  We snuggle and spend quality time together.  We are happier together than we have ever been, but she doesn’t tell me or show me that I look good, that she’s attracted to me, that she wants me.  Other women will.
  7. I am hypersexual, have low impulse control, have low inhibitions.  I’m basically like a person with 3 or 4 drinks in them when it comes to my judgement with women.

This is the work that’s ahead of me in therapy.  I must accept that I cannot blame this entirely on bipolar.  I must accept that I’m responsible for my behavior.  I must accept that my disorder has progressed to the point at which I may never again realize the stability I’ve taken for granted for the last few years.  I must accept.

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