And just like that, the mania has subsided. I bumped up to my therapeutic dose of Seroquel last night, and I’m level. The most interesting part of it is that I’m no longer hypersexual. I’m not leering at women. I’m not flirting. I’m no longer seeking out sexual energy. It’s gone.
I’m grateful, but I’m also a little let down. Hypersexuality feels great even though it is scary. But this is what I want. I’d rather be asexual than hypersexual for the sake of my relationships with the women in my life.
I worked with the pianist I’ve written about recently, and there was nothing. No sexual chemistry at all if there ever had been. Delusion and fantasy carries my sexuality energy far longer than reality would.
But what this does is underscore that I’m not a bad person. I’m not really a lech and douchebag. When the mania subsides, I’m no longer a nuisance.
Oh, I might carry on a harmless flirtation, but with no intent. There’s a college girl at the grocery store, not the high school girl. Who might be crushing on me a bit, or not. It’s hard for me to tell. She has become a little possessive of me. There are a few pretty young women who run the registers. She has taken to making a display of jealousy when I don’t come to her line, even if it is long. It may be only a playful game she is playing, but that’s just as well. The last thing I need is an affair with a jealous 20-year-old. Seriously.
Mainly, I’m just grateful. Grateful that I have insurance. Grateful for a doctor who has never failed me. Grateful for my new drug: Seroquel.
The only problem with the drug is that as I’m acclimating to it, I feel intoxicated for a few hours after taking it in the evening. I’m an alcoholic, so that’s a bit of a conflict. I know that it will fade in a few days, and I know that it is medically necessary, but still, it feels nice. It feels like 3 or 4 glasses of whiskey, but without the awesome flavor. I’m still calling myself sober, though. My mental health and sobriety are wrapped up together. If I didn’t get well soon, I might have truly lost my sobriety.
Everything is shifting. Delusions are fading. Obsessions are fading. Crushes are fading. Judgement is strengthening. Self-control is strengthening. I can return to my regular schedule. It’s nice. Really nice.