I will be seeing my psych doc tomorrow. I’ve been seeing him frequently lately. I feel like my illness is progressing. My old dosage and meds are not working anymore. He’s trying me on Seroquel which works well, but doesn’t work 24 hours. It’s also a little intoxicating. I’m an alcoholic. Seroquel, however, is actually used in the treatment of alcoholism, so I’m sticking with it. I suspect the feeling will subside and I’ll be able to drive and function. I confess though, I look forward to coming home and taking it. The full dose feels like 4 or 5 glasses of whiskey. Most nights I take one when I get home, and another at bedtime. That works really well. But it doesn’t always work out that way schedule-wise.
So! Anyway! My wife sent me a message today asking if she could come to my appointment. This hasn’t happened in awhile. It has been very helpful. Sometimes a partner has a clearer view of things. To me, it seems like she exaggerates, but I really don’t know. After all, she’s the one who has to live with me. It’s not all that fun being me, either. I’m not gonna lie, though, sometimes is totally AWESOME being me.
What I want him to do is give me is a medical strategy for a full day of level. It wears off around 3pm…which is now. Then it takes at least an hour to kick in when I take it in the evening. That means that I really struggle between 3 and 7. I get really intense and sometimes a mean and edgy…and of course flirty. I used to medicate that with a significant dose of whiskey, but we all know how that can turn out…and it did.
I will also be starting with a new therapist next week. I am very motivated to get back on track. I feel that the medicine is get me closer, but I suspect I need some therapy as well. I have a number of undealt-with issues that an AA sponsor or a friend cannot help with.
The problem with my sponsor, is that he believes fidelity is optional in a marriage. He doesn’t really see my past affairs as a problem. I really, really, really, TRULY do not want to cheat again. The medicine helps a lot with the symptoms which leads to the infidelity to begin with, but I feel I need some psychological help with it. Perhaps some healing. Perhaps a reality check. DEFINITELY some strategy.
I cannot underscore enough how important it is to me to address this issue. Some of you understand what hypersexuality is like because you struggle with it, too. But I feel like many really don’t understand it. They see it as a moral failing when it leads to infidelity. But mental illness is not a moral failing. That does not mean that it doesn’t hurt. That does not mean that it doesn’t end marriages. That’s the reality. No person should have to stay in a marriage with a bipolar hypersexual just because it’s an illness. There’s not getting off the hook on that. This is one of many reasons people with bipolar cannot hold down a relationship for long. I don’t want to be that guy, though. I will use any means necessary to make this work.