Where Have I Been? Healthy. Where am I now? Arrrrrrggh!!!!

intense-variantI don’t usually write on this blog when I am healthy.  I have a healthy Daniel blog  (let’s call me Daniel) and a sick Daniel blog and never the twain shall meet.  My doctor put me on two doses of Seroquel a few months ago;  one for when I get home and one for when I go to sleep.  It wears off around between 3 and 4 pm when I’m still at work.  And now it’s not even that good.

I’m back to the high-strung, intense, impatient angry Daniel  Of all the manics to be, this is my least favorite.  I don’t like the way it feels.  I feel bad about the way I interact with people.  Everything is difficult. I feel edgy and wound up all the time.   What about the euphoric productive me?  What about the sexy me?  Those versions of me feel good, but not without some serious consequences.

I’ve been without health insurance for 3 months while I transition into a new job, a good job.  I will have great insurance on October 1st.  Until then, I’m not seeing my doc and I’m scratching up the money to buy my drugs without prescription drug benefits.  It’s no wonder poor people are struggling with mental illness.  The cost of being well is extraordinary!

But here I am, struggling again.  Yelling at my daughter.  Sewing discord at work and at church. Grinching at my wife.  Ignoring my son.

I don’t know what my doc is going to do with me.  I took an extra Seroquel once hoping it would calm me down more, but it made me miserable.  I had somnia, felt wired and sick.  It feels like a sedative when I take 2.  But it’s not a sedative.

“Seroquel (Quetiapine) is known as an anti-psychotic drug (atypical type). It works by helping to restore the balance of certain natural substances (neurotransmitters) in the brain.” webmd

It’s good stuff, but it doesn’t feel like enough right now.  My wife’s psychologist says that if I’m taking 2 Seroquel and still struggling with mania then it is getting serious because Seroquel is heavy duty stuff.  It’s also used for psychosis and schizophrenia.

So I’m taking as much Seroquel and Geodon that I can tolerate without anxiety/panic issues and insomnia.  I’ve got Lithium and Lamictal to work with…or some other drug entirely.

Writing helps.  Being validated helps as well.  Maybe that’s why I’m writing.

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7 thoughts on “Where Have I Been? Healthy. Where am I now? Arrrrrrggh!!!!

  1. Hang in there. Like a wave it will eventually calm down, and you will be the parts of yourself that you like. And remember to take care of yourself, it’s not your fault that you are wired up and can’t sleep. It’s just the way it is, and accepting it is the first step to seeing what you have to do.

    • Thanks. I got home, put my pjs on to signal to everybody that I’m not leaving this house to do anything to anybody, and watch the new Modern Family. Thank you for your kindness. I really needed that.

      • Good that you are taking care of yourself. It’s funny really: When we need it the most, when life is more than we can take, we often berate ourselves and feel guilt. Shouldn’t that be when we are most compassionate towards ourselves? Good night 🙂

  2. I was prescribed seroquel once and it made things so much worse for me. I was told it was going to help calm me but it made me wired, I was up for 72 hours at one point. Way too much energy and only to fuel me being edgy, sensitive, and extremely angry. Maybe, like me, seroquel just isn’t the right medicine for you. Everyone reacts to medications differently, does not necessarily mean that you are getting worse or something. October 1st is Saturday so not too much longer to hang in there and see a doctor. The cost of being well is outrageous, couldn’t agree more. We have to spend thousands of dollars just to get necessary treatment… makes me want to move to Canada haha

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