I’ve developed a crush on a new coworker. She is tall, dark-featured, and curvy on top, and gorgeous. I’m attracted to tall women, but I’ve never been involved with one. The temptation is there. I have not flirted, but she seems open to it. I’ve learned to read the signs over my unmedicated years of womanizing. I’ve caught her making very steady, direct eye contact with me many times. In a recent meeting, I returned her gaze and before I could even think about it I winked. A wink can be nothing, but it can be everything. This game is such a subtle thing until it’s not.
I have a history of bipolar-related infidelity. I’m not exactly level right now, but I’m not too far gone. Like I said, I haven’t flirted one little bit, but my resolve is low. One manic episode and I could make something happen very quickly, or get fired trying. My building has many opportunities for privacy including private shower rooms, a fitness room that is usually dark and empty, stairwells, and elevators. On some level, I already have a plan. I’ve come close to pulling her close and kissing her in the elevator or on the stairs, but I REALLY don’t want to go down that road again. I really don’t want to end my marriage.
But the honest truth is that in my state, even though I might not make a move, if she did I would be nearly helpless. She’s too alluring and I’m just manic enough to get hypersexual enough and starved enough to give in. I haven’t had regular sex since my diagnosis in 2011. It’s just not happening with my wife. I’d make a pretty good monk.
So I have a rule that is keeping me safe so far. I don’t seek out any social interaction with her. If it happens, it happens, but it’s brief. I keep on moving. I do not linger anywhere with her.
So am I just a cheating jerk? Well, I certainly have been, but it’s not so simple. I’ve covered hyper-sexuality and crushes before on this blog. Take your pick.
I’ve described it as the euphoria to beat all euphoria. And I’m so very confident when I have it. I know how to make myself attractive. And I’m highly, dangerously impulsive. How I’ve stayed faithful for the five years since my diagnosis and reconciliation is really a marvel. I’ve surprised everyone. Cheating is a Pandora’s box. You may wonder about it for years, but once you’ve done it and know how easy it is to do…
But I’m not a jerk. I’m actively fighting this by taking care of myself and by making rules which if obeyed ahead of time will prevent me from being in a compromising position. But it’s just so easy, cheating. It’s as easy as making the right kind of eye contact in the right place in time in the right mood.
So this crush…it won’t pass, they never do. I still have crushes from childhood. But if I do not put out the vibes, maybe she will leave me mercifully alone.